I probably should have expected it, but instead it came as a surprise. This past weekend was mixed. Last week was busy and I didn't really have much time to pause and dwell on where I was at with things emotionally. The week kicked off with the shared birthday of Tuck and my sister-in-law. They are twins obviously, and we celebrated the day with phone calls to my interstate based sister-in-law followed by a quiet lunch with Tuck's parents at my Mum's. It was lovely and although I received many messages of support from those who thought the day would be particularly hard, my day was not burdened by sadness.
We celebrated Evie's seventh birthday that Wednesday and after having had two extra commitments already for the start of the week, we chose to spend the day quietly. With Evie having her day off from school, just the three of us amused ourselves with an outing. Friday came along and still I felt at peace, organised even, for the small party to be hosted by us for Evie to celebrate with her school friends. And then Saturday morning arrived and Evie, Noah and myself began our preparations for the day. But there was somebody missing and each one of the three of us missed him So. Darn. Much! We were all a bit shaky but Evie bounced back and had a grand old time when her buddies arrived and for that I am so very happy and glad. Noah continued to have some moments but they were interspersed with fun and party games. Mostly I think he was exhausted from his days of kindy followed by a broken sleep the night before. Usually we keep Saturday quiet for this reason.
I however, struggled ALL day. It was hard from start to finish and I found myself having to muster every ounce of strength not to fall apart each time I returned to the kitchen to retrieve something. I had help during the party hours having arranged for all three grandparents to be there and to them I am so very grateful, but once nightfall came and in the quiet of a sleeping house I allowed my wall to crumble. The tears flowed and the sobs escaped and I was reminded again that this is how it is, the roller-coaster that this is. Those days last week and over the weekend did coincide with an astrological BOOM factor too with the Equinox, a New Moon and a total solar eclipse. I, for one, am a full believer in the influences of these things upon our planet and upon us as individuals and as a collective whole.
Galactic line-ups aside, that roller coaster continues to dip and peak and I am very relieved to say that now, on this Tuesday evening, the roller coaster is climbing back up and I have been awarded fresh insights into this new life of mine which I look forward to sharing here soon. Those days where it dips are the times I turn quiet, I dig deeply and search within, my personal journal stays close and with our meals pulled from the freezer, I hug my babes close. Ah, the learning. There is so much of that going on.