I'm tired. So extraordinarily tired. Possibly even burnt-out. It's the sort of weariness that can't be recovered from with one or two early nights but let's not get too doom and gloom because a couple of early nights would sure help. Here's the honest part... I'm over it! Fed up! And kind of jacked off with this single parenting gig. It’s hard. Really, really hard.
I'm sick of feeling tired and I'm sick of struggling. Not every day is a struggle and for that I am so very grateful, however, it seems to be a common thread through my most recent days. Our school year began just two weeks after Tuck’s accident and although I was very open to skipping the start of term, I followed my children’s cue and their wish to be a part of things. Of course it was their life raft of something familiar and normal and I deeply understood their need. As our first term progressed, so too did the momentum and commitment level until the point where I now look back and feel as though I’ve been on a bullet-train since late January. The school holidays are currently upon us and so far that busy-ness has continued. It’s ridiculous and not the pace I wish to create for our ‘new life’. I have to take some responsibility as I have recognised my old, stale habit towards ‘over achievement’ has seemingly reared it's unpleasant head. Ah, that's an old habit from years ago and apparently I haven't completely rid myself of it. Although I'm not rushing everywhere with the kids, I have been repeatedly staying up too late in my attempt to tick a few extra things off.
Today, all this learning has got the better of me and the signs couldn’t be clearer. I have two snuffly kids, I scoffed my 'one a day' coffee like I was going to fall over without it, meanwhile missing my usual slow savour of each sip and now I’m declaring that enough is enough! I am not going to begin a fresh school term feeling this way. The remainder of this break will be slow and gentle. We have a couple of things penciled in on the calendar for our coming second week before school resumes near the end of the month, but that’s it, no more, we need rest. We've had a bit of wintery weather of late mixed in with some glorious sunshine but Mother Nature has brought us a taste of the months to come and I feel very ready for hibernation. Isn't that the natural course of things? Nature's cycle. It seems that us humans are the only creatures who fight against it. We are not built to maintain the same pace all year round. Every part of me wants to gather, store, slow down and curl up for these coming months, and then burst forth with renewed vigor come the arrival of spring. The doings and the goings, it can’t be done. For me it is not sustainable all year; each day, each week, each month, each season. There has to be ebb and flow, decline and regrowth.
Please don’t misunderstand, I’m doing ok, I really am. And the kids are superstars within their own individual process. We talk about "Daddy" all the time and often that talk is mixed with laughter over some dumb thing that he used to do. He is still very much a part of our every day life, we just don’t get to cuddle him or hear his voice and slowly we are accepting that. It’ll take a good long while before any of us are use to it though, so we are far from through it but we are managing. Today however, I’m feeling the pinch of deep fatigue and I guess I’m also a little grumpy and feel like having a whinge. Forgive me, I don’t wish to fill this space with sad tones and bummed out words, but I’m kind of in need of a pep talk.
Staring at me right now, tacked to the edges of my computer screen are two printed cards sent by a couple of very special friends. They hold those words of encouragement you see below...
Today, those little pearls of wisdom are my mantras and they have inspired me to do a little trip around our home and snapshot a few of the other bits that bring me daily joy. I'm going to dwell on those and reclaim my peace and gratitude.