As a writer, I am not sure that I will ever be without words but really I am scrambling to find a way to adequately describe how the last week has felt.
Yes, I am hurting. Oh golly how I ache. Yes, my children are experiencing a pain in their hearts too that no child should ever have to bear, and, yes, all our family are walking and breathing through each day with a heart heavy with sorrow. BUT, even more is this deep undeniable knowing that the love and support which has been flooding towards us has held us so strong. This ripple is global. It grows from those who are our family and our closest friends, to not just our neighbours but also our entire neighbourhood. There are Tuck's workmates, friends from the distant past, friends of friends and acquaintances. There is our school community, our kindy community of which we have not yet even "officially" become a part. There are my friends on the other side of the world who I am still yet to meet and hug in person. There are Buddhist Monks here in Australia both known mentors and the mentors of mentors of my Buddhist sister (in-law) and her partner, plus Monks spread through Bhutan and India who are collectively chanting Sanskrit words of healing and are praying for us. There is a community whom I have never met but through the love of someone special, I know they have gathered at a Catholic church to pray for us. And there is YOU, whether you fall within the groups already mentioned or whether you have found your way here through serendipity. Every single one of you matters! So indescribably. You have made us strong. You have made this bearable.
I knew from the outset of this year that it was being heralded as the year for HUGE change. I was eagerly awaiting those things I believed would be phenomenal happenings, but never did I expect to have it be so personally brutal. I was not ready for this level of change but a person would never be ready. This is the kind of change that no matter my understanding I would always have resisted. Here I am though with it dumped upon me and so so slowly, so so gradually I am greeting each day as it comes. There is a part of me that can see how a loss and heartache of this magnitude could so easily swallow a person whole, never to climb out. But that is not me and that is not the life I choose to live or what I want for our children. It is not him either. Tuck and I hold (yes, wherever he is I know he still holds his dream) our own individual dreams but we also shared a solid vision for who we are, what we want, where we are headed and how we strive to guide Evie and Noah. Those things have not changed and the holders of that dream will still create it, it's just that I am the only one out of the two of us who is participating in the physical on this Earth plane. Make of that what you will, we all find our own courage through our unique belief systems. For me, I am pairing this understanding with your love, support and prayers and those from the many already mentioned and that is making for a combination of superhero powers. It is that which opens my eyes each morning so I can greet my babes with a sleepy smile and it is that which powers me through the day and it is that which offers me peace at night. And I will probably always use past and present tense when I refer to Tuck for some things can be interchangeable.
So from the very depths of my Being, THANK YOU. Please keep doing what you are doing for it is working. We are feeling it and it is helping so so much. And just so you know, I am still smiling and I am still laughing, for now there is a little darkness under my eyes and a little sadness within but I know we will be OK and love, light, happiness and joy will prevail because that is who we are.
For those of you who I do know personally, I fully intend to be in touch soon. Our summer break is wrapping up and the new school year begins this week. Evie is so eager and Noah is ecstatic about 'big kid's' kindy. Gaining structure to our days will be good and although I may fumble my way through the routine these first few weeks, I kinda think I probably would regardless. Isn't that how the school year usually begins before the groove is found once more?